


Storm

by LilaKiwi



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Dan can change the weather, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-11-19 08:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11310036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilaKiwi/pseuds/LilaKiwi
Summary: Basically Dan has the ability to change the weather but isn't very good at controlling it. Or an original story I wanted to write. But I used the concept here because I thought it would be better.





	1. Chapter 1

When I first met Phil, I had been ecstatic. He had helped me through tough times, and I had been waiting forever to meet him. I had hoped that with him, I might change. I had believed that he would save me from myself. I needed saving, I was so desperate that I desperately held on to the belief that this was the lifeline I needed. 

I wasn’t completely wrong. Since 2009, we had done incredible things together. We were boyfriends, although only our close friends and family knew, and together we had travelled the world, been on tour, written a book, and created a universe to share with the internet. 

But my curse still plagues my mind. It has been hidden so carefully, but it has never disappeared, it is still there in my mind. It controls everything I do, how I act, what I say, even what I think. 

See, I have an extra ability. Something you might call a superpower. 

I can change the weather. 

And I hate it. 

Because it’s not something I can control, instead it’s mostly based on my emotions. I can’t really explain how it works, but I don’t need to. All I need to know is that I am a danger, and that I must do everything to make sure I don’t hurt those around me. So, I hide my emotions, I detach myself from my own feelings, and try not to hurt people. 

Since I was 16, I hadn’t hurt a soul. Until yesterday. 

I don’t know what happened. I just suddenly remembered how incredible it was to be free. Even though I’ve had very few problems in the last few years, I suddenly thought back to when I lived without restriction. I remembered the feeling of power as I watched lightning streaks flash across an inky black sky, and I realised I can never have that back,  
because to have it I would have to sacrifice everyone else’s safety. 

I started to cry, and the sky cried with me. I became afraid of myself once again, and that only made it worse. I locked myself in my room last night, and silently cried myself to sleep, only to wake this morning still asking the same questions. 

What if I lost control completely? What if I got angry? What if I hurt someone? What if I hurt Phil? 

I could never live with myself if I hurt Phil. He’s helped me so much in these last years, even though he doesn’t know it. I wish I could tell him everything, but I won’t. He should be free to live his life, and he shouldn’t have to be dragged into this.

 

“Dan,” Phil calls from the kitchen, distracting me from my thoughts, “I’m going to buy stuff for pancakes. Are you coming?”

“Phil, it’s almost midday. Aren’t pancakes for breakfast?” I reply.

“I’ve just woken up,” he reasons, “Anyway, are you coming?”

It’s still raining. I don’t think I could face going outside, seeing what I’ve done, after I swore I wouldn’t do it again. 

I tell Phil I’m not going, and he complains I haven’t left the house in forever. But he can’t persuade me, and eventually he goes shopping alone, while I continue to think the same thoughts I’ve been thinking since I went to bed last night, still as angry, confused, and terrified as I was before. I hate this feeling. I feel powerless against everything, incapable against myself. 

Desperate attempts to change my thoughts are useless, and Phil returns to find me in my room, crying like a baby. 

“Dan,” he says, “what happened?”

I dry my eyes, and consider telling him the truth, but I can’t. I lie, and say I went back to sleep and had a nightmare. He seems to believe me, and leaves to make pancakes. I sigh. I don’t like lying, especially not to my boyfriend. 

I check outside. It’s raining heavier, almost hailing, and it’s also very foggy. Thick fog, that conceals everything I can usually see from the window. 

 

Fuck it. I’m going back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes wrong, basically. Next chapter is a little dark.

I’m only asleep for a few minutes when Phil calls me to the kitchen for pancakes. He didn’t burn them this time, even though he usually does. They’re really nice, but they would be, given how hungry I am.  
Phil tries to start conversation, but I can’t look him in the eye. I’m lying to him. I hate it. Checking outside, I notice it’s still raining. I almost feel sick watching it. All this time I locked my feelings away, but I can’t hide forever.  
Saying I need to sleep, I go back to my room.  
I’m so afraid.  
What have I done?  
It’s been a long time since I let myself think about this. But I must now. I must decide what I’m going to do, whether I’m going to tell anyone. My first instinct is to tell Phil, because out of everyone I know, I trust him the most. No, I can’t. Whatever happens, I refuse to let him be caught up in it.  
What I should do is block out all my emotions like I did and go back to being normal. That’s impossible. As well as not lasting forever, it’s almost painful. I care too much, and it’s cruel to me to pretend I don’t.  
What else can I do? A voice in the back of my head tells me to go with it. I can’t stop this, now I’ve started, so why should I try? I could just continue whatever I've started, see what happens...   
Maybe that’s what I’ll do…

Phil comes in later to see if I’m okay, as he’s noticed that I haven’t eaten much today. I lie, telling him I feel a bit ill, and he offers to get some medicine, which I decline.  
I might really hurt him. Heck, I might kill him. I’ve never thought about it before, because I thought I could control what I am. But I could kill him.  
I don’t want to think about it. 

At around 7pm, I do start to feel sick. Not like I’m going to vomit, I just feel drained. Like every movement takes so much more effort. My sight is blurred and hazy, and the noises I should be hearing seem choked and distorted.  
I burrow under my covers, and try to settle down, but all I can hear is the fierce squall outside, spitting rain in all directions. It is a long time before I finally manage to fall asleep.  
I wake up at 11am, as Phil complains that I’m not awake, apparently forgetting I’m supposed to be ill. Feeling less weak than I did yesterday, I force myself to get out of bed, and get dressed.  
Phil needs to go to the shops again, because he forgot to buy something or other earlier. I still don’t want to go outside. I remind Phil I’m ill.  
Insisting that fresh air will make me better, Phil drags me to the door. This irritates me slightly, and I hear the wind surge. I can’t win here.  
As soon as I step outside, I am overwhelmed. The wind is teasing me. I look down, and focus on nothing as I walk, feeling like I am about to surrender to this longing for freedom.  
“Dan are you okay?” Phil says, taking me away from my thoughts.  
I remain silent.  
“Dan?” he repeats, “Are you sure you’re okay?”  
I want to answer. But if I say no, I’ll be lying again. Maybe I should explain, ask for help, before it becomes too late. I can’t think what he’ll do though, when I tell him. Why don’t I know what to do? This is so unfair.  
“Phil,” I begin finally.  
He looks at me expectantly. I shake my head.  
“I…um…don’t feel too good. I’m going back home. See you later.”  
I turn back to go home, but he grabs my arm.  
“I know you’re not okay,” he says, “and I know you’re hiding something. Please, just tell me and I can help.”  
“No, Phil, you can’t.”  
Why doesn’t he accept that? This is my fight, and if I lose I will not drag anyone else down with me. I turn to walk away, but he really is not leaving me alone. He snaps, yells at me. Says he’s just trying to help.  
“Phil!” I say back, trying to keep calm, “Please, I just want some time alone, okay?”  
He apologises immediately, over and over. I forgive him, of course, and he looks away. I look at his eyes. They are red. Phil’s crying.  
I hate myself for doing this to him. I really do. Why did I do this? None of this is Phil’s fault. How is this fair on him? I notice my anger at myself, and try to calm down, but I’m too far gone.  
A flash of lightning flickers over London, accompanied immediately by a roll of thunder. A storm is close.  
The light breeze becomes aggressive. The trees sway and branches snap.  
Oh shit…  
The next things happen in a matter of seconds. The wind speed goes nowhere but up. The smaller trees snap into splinters, and the larger ones have branches ripped from them. Everyone runs for cover, fighting the gale just to move. It’s like a hurricane. What have I done?  
I see tiles from the rooves fragment on the ground. Most of them just fall to the floor to add to the other splinters of things broken by the wind, but some are hitting people. People display bruises and gashes from broken glass being shot from the walls. I stare hopelessly at the horror I have created, and now have no power to stop.  
A cluster of tiles come loose on a roof near where we stand. I see them out of the corner of my eye, knowing they will hit me, when I am shoved out of the way. Strong as the wind is against him, Phil shoved me away from them.  
They hit his head. I think it was his temple. I watch as he crumples in a heap on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's dark thoughts catch up to him.

I sit in the hospital waiting room. There’s several other there, some for others who got hurt in the storm. The same thoughts run through my mind, over and over.

What have I done?

Is everyone okay?

What do I do?

What can I do? 

 

They repeat over and over in my head. I try to focus on the words, on the repetition, and not on what the words mean. 

Phil was only knocked out, thank god, and it seems that he will be completely fine, so if they’re right he’ll be able to come home immediately. I’m sure he’s fine; he must be fine.

I sit. I wait. I stare at the wall, and I drown in my own thoughts. I zone out so completely that I have no idea how long I’ve been like that. A nurse informs me that Phil has woken up, and seems to be okay. I’ll go in and see him, and we’ll go home. 

Walking in, I wonder what his thoughts are. He’ll ask questions, I’m sure of it. He has a right to know, after what has happened to him, and I know I can trust him, but I have never told anyone before. 

When I see him, he is propped up on the hospital bed with a pillow. A nurse walks in and tells us that he was knocked out, but that they are satisfied he can go home. She lists some symptoms for us to watch out for, and tells us to call them if we see them. Phil asks what happened, because he's just woken up, and doesn't really remember. I explain very briefly that there was a storm and he got hit by some falling tiles. He doesn't ask anything else at the hospital, nor on the taxi ride home, and once we are back at the apartment he pretty much goes straight to bed. 

I sit in my room, alone with my own thoughts. The events of the last few hours have only proven one thing: I am dangerous, more than I thought.  
I don’t want to be a danger. I don’t want to live in constant fear of this happening again. I don’t want to feel guilty forever over the damage I’ve done. But I have set something in motion that I cannot control, and there is no escaping now. 

Then I realise something. I realise the name of the emotion I’ve been feeling, for as long as I can remember. It is not guilt, fear or anger, nor a mixture of the three. That’s what I thought it was, but I was wrong. 

I feel defeated. I feel tired. Tired of the curse I bear. Tired of pretending. Tired of the constant feeling of fear. Tired of being me. I have lost. There is nothing I can do but cause more damage. And that is not what I want. 

I can’t stay here. Or anywhere. Wherever I am I cause pain and hurt. So, I have to leave. Leave completely. Leave this world. I scribble a note to Phil. It is only a few lines long, and reads:

Phil,  
I owe you an explanation. I know I do. But I’ll be gone before I have chance to give it to you, so here’s an apology.  
I’m sorry for what I did. You don’t understand, and never will, but I needed to say it.  
You’ll be safer this way. I can’t hurt you if I’m dead. 

 

Trying to keep silent for fear of waking Phil, I slip on my winter coat, and leave the apartment. It is cold enough now that I can see my breath as a cloud in the air, but the rain has stopped, and the wind is almost completely still. I don’t know where I am going, I just carry on walking. There aren’t many people out, but cars drive past me quite frequently. Ahead of me, I see the Thames.  
I must have walked for a long time to be here. But here I am. I walk onto the bridge, and I hesitate. 

This is for the best.  
If I don’t do this, I’ll never escape.  
Still, I’m not happy, standing here. 

I cast my mind back to when I was seven, when I started changing the weather. At first, I thought I was just imagining it, but as I grew older, I understood I wasn’t. I keep remembering, thinking of how I tried to live a normal life, knowing I couldn’t tell anyone. Then, when I was 16, things became worse. I killed people. I know I did, but, of course, no one knew it was me. The guilt and fear at what I could do only made me more of a danger.I buried my emotions. 

It was painful, to pretend I didn’t care. I was able to have never enough emotion to change anything. Two days ago, I failed, but even then I didn't come close to hurting anyone. I actually did quite well. Until yesterday. It was such a stupid thing to get angry about. Such a stupid, tiny thing. Phil was only trying to help. But he can’t help me. No one can. I’m too far gone. 

By this time, the slight breeze has been joined by a thick fog. What will happen after I jump? Will the fog disappear? I hope so. I don’t want any part of this to stay. The sky is lighter in the east. Sunrise will start soon. I need to get this over and done with. I am about to jump, when I hear my name being yelled through the fog.

“Dan? Dan?”

It’s Phil. He came looking for me. Shit. His voice is close, but the fog obscures his vision, and he doesn’t see me yet. I could jump. I should jump right now, before he tries to stop me. But something is pulling me away from the edge. 

Of course, I knew Phil would come and find me if he saw the note, but I didn’t think he would find it until morning. Now I really am torn between life and death. 

If I choose death, I keep everyone else safe. I will never hurt anyone again. 

But I want to choose life. I want to stay in the life Phil and I have made for ourselves. I don’t want to die. 

From the sound of running coming towards me, I assume Phil has seen me. I don’t look at him, but remain staring at the water below me, because I don’t want to see his face. I don’t want to see those eyes filled with disappointment, or, even worse, fear. 

Wind blows against my face, and it feels much colder than it did before because my cheeks are wet with tears. Crying silently, I feel a hand grab mine, tightly enough to stop the circulation to my fingers, stopping me from going anywhere, and I hear a barely audible voice. 

“Dan, don’t even think about it,” the voice says, and I can tell Phil’s crying too. I hear pain in his voice.

He lifts his hand and wipes my tears, and I can’t help bursting into loud sobs, holding my head in my hands. 

“It’s okay, Dan,” he says, wrapping his arm around me and hugging me towards him. 

Is it okay? No, it’s not, but I want it to be. Maybe one day it could be. I continue to say nothing, staring at the river below me. I know that if I don’t jump, I will only hurt more people, but right now, I almost don’t care. Phil wants to help, and I want to let him. 

I tell myself that I’m selfish if I stay alive. Phil sees the conflicting emotions on my face, and hugs me tighter. 

“Please,” he whispers desperately, “Don’t go. You’re so much better than this. Please, just come home and let me help you. I love you, Dan.”

And I realise that this is not just about me. I only thought of how I would save Phil physically, but I ignored that I would hurt him emotionally. Phil, my caring, sensitive boyfriend, with the most adorable personality I have ever known, would never know what happened. It would haunt him. He doesn’t deserve that. 

I have to tell him everything. 

I nod to Phil, and whisper “okay”, agreeing to come home, and he instantly pulls me into the tightest embrace ever, with the happiest smile on his face. I’m uncertain, but I hug him back. It will all be okay. Phil is here. Phil has promised to help me. 

When we break apart, I look up at the sky. The fog has cleared, and the sunrise has painted the sky in reds and golds. The warmth makes me smile another smile. A beam that stays on my face all the way back to the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where this is going. These stories just write themselves.


	4. Storm - Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan explains everything.

A mournful wind blows across London now. Low and gentle, it’s almost tired as it lazily stirs the leaves. There is a moment after I first open my eyes when I feel safe, secure. But in the blink of an eye the feeling of safety is gone, and my reality sinks in. 

I am not safe. Not even close. Just yesterday I stood on London bridge about to jump. Fear of myself destroyed me and I wanted death. Of course, I didn’t succeed in ending my own life. I can’t do anything right, not even killing myself, but I wish I had fallen. I wish Phil had let me go, because I hate being a threat to everyone, and, as much as I want to believe otherwise, I will never, I can never, be anything but a death sentence to anyone who knows me. Time has proven that a thousand times.  
I have killed people before, I will kill them again. I am a murderer, and I will never be anything but.

Tears cascade down my face and sobs shake my body once again. I am such a wreck, such a failure that I couldn’t even commit suicide. Please, if there is a god, let me die, let me give up. Please, I’m so afraid.

Repeatedly asking if I’m okay, Phil opens the door to my room, sits next to me on my bed, and wraps his arms around me. Telling me he loves me, he lets me sob uncontrollably into his shoulder until I run out of tears. When I can talk again, I whisper an ‘I love you too’.

I don’t know how Phil can love me. I don’t love myself. But somehow, he does it. Recently, I’ve deliberately tried to avoid him as I was afraid of hurting him, but now I hug him tightly enough to make up for the last few days. 

“Dan,” he says after a long pause, “Why?”

I pause for a long time. I don’t know how I can explain.

“Because I was scared.”

“Of what?” 

“Myself.” 

He makes eye contact with me, and I see so many different emotions: sadness, guilt, fear, love, and confusion. Another tear escapes my eye, but silently. I whisper an apology to Phil for lying to him, but it was barely audible. 

“Promise to let me explain everything?” I say, louder.

“Dan, what...”

“Do you promise?” 

“Yeah, sure…”

I lead him to the window, and ask him to pick a type of weather. He looks perplexed, but I look desperate, and he hesitantly picks snow. With a click of my fingers, London is trapped in a blizzard. 

His jaw drops, but he stays silent, and stares out the window. I can tell he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t have a choice. After a ten minute silence, the shock begins to wear off and he tries to form sentences, but can’t say the words. I calm the weather before it can get dangerous. Somehow having Phil here makes me more stable.

Eventually he voices the sentence, “How did you do that?”

I explain to him that I don’t know, and begin to tell him the entire story, from when I was seven until now. Except that when I get to the part when I became a killer, I skip it out, simply saying that I got worried of being found out a sixteen, and that that was why I hid my emotions. I tell him how I caused the storm that hospitalised him. Through the entire speech, he doesn’t say a word. 

“Dan,” he says after I’m finished, accepting now that I'm not lying, and that this is real, “Why would you want to kill yourself because of that. The other day was the first time you’ve hurt anyone, and that was the result of years of emotions.” 

“I can’t control it though, Phil. At all! I could easily hurt people! What if, one day, we were to have a fight, and I couldn’t control my emotions? Do you know what could happen, Phil? I could kill you, that’s what! I could kill you!”

“Have you ever killed anyone before?” he asks.

“I didn’t mean to!” I sob. His eyes widen, he expected me to say that I hadn’t killed before. 

I refuse to talk about it, afraid to relive the worst memories of my life. I don’t want to remember, but I can’t avoid what I have done. I slaughtered innocent people, I can’t forget that, and I will be haunted forever. Finally, he accepts that I won’t tell him, and asks an easier question. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? You should have said something, Dan. You had plenty of opportunities. I could’ve helped.” He speaks calmly, without raising his voice, but I detect betrayal and slight anger in his tone. 

I settle for a simple answer to his question. 

“It’s not your fight.”  
Nodding, he stands up with a, “Alright, if you need anything give me a shout.”

Once I’m alone again, I try to stand up, but I’m exhausted, so I go back to sleep. Maybe dragging Phil into this was a bad idea, but maybe I made the right choice. He accepted my ‘superpower’ without much disbelief, and I felt safer knowing he knew. 

 

I’m glad I didn’t jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still trying to figure everything out. I can't decide if it should have a happy or sad ending, but I'm leaning towards sad.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a cute little chapter. Nothing much happens.

Later that night, as a gentle breeze sends me to sleep, I wonder if I have done the right thing. Phil knows now, and I can’t make him forget. Now that someone besides me knows, I can be held accountable for my actions. Phil will soon realise how dangerous I am. I expect he’ll leave as soon as he understands what I’m really like. He’ll leave for his own safety. I won’t complain when he does, if he’s safe and happy, I’ll manage. 

He could be packing now. He could’ve left by now. After he told me that if I needed anything I could give him a shout, I didn’t see him for the rest of the night. Even though we’re together, we sometimes sleep in separate rooms. Last night, it was because it was obvious I needed space to think about recent events, and other times I sleep alone because I have nightmares and don’t want to wake Phil up. As well as that, if both rooms look slept in, it stops fans thinking we’re together. 

It’s my fault we haven’t told everyone we’re together. Close friends know, and immediate family, but that’s it. The main reason is because it would change how people view us. Change causes stress, stress causes emotions such as anger and despair. In my case, emotions are to be avoided at all costs. So, no one can know, even though half the fans are certain we’re together anyway. 

Talking of fans, they’re going to be asking why I haven’t uploaded a video recently. I should do that at some point today. 

At least that train of thought has got me off thinking Phil will leave. Of course, I could check. I need breakfast anyway, and he’s likely to be in the kitchen, if he’s still here…

 

When I go to the kitchen, he is there. He was probably waiting for me to wake up. 

“Dan,” he says when he notices I’ve arrived, “I have a question about your superpower.”

“It’s not all that super, but go on,” I reply, as casual as I can, because I’m not used to talking about this.

“So, is rain sadness? Cause that would make the most sense. And if it is, what’s happiness, and anger and fear? What does it all mean?”

I pause, I never really analysed this, so it’s hard to explain. 

“Well, yeah, rain is like sadness, and you get different sorts of sadness. I guess that’s how I get various kinds of rain. Like violent downpours, or misty drizzly rain. I’m not completely sure, if I’m honest, I always tried to ignore what I could do. Gentle sunshine, that’s being content. Fog is confusion, not understanding, everything all hidden. And anger, I don’t know. I don’t think anger is just one weather, it’s, like, anything. But out of control. Storms or really strong wind, mostly.”

“So, the day I ended up in hospital, you were angry?” Phil asks. I know what he’s thinking, he’s assuming he made me angry. I know how his mind works, and, besides, he looks like he feels guilty. 

“You didn’t make me angry,” I say quickly, starting to cry again, “I was angry at myself. I saw that I upset you, and I was just so angry that I shut you out, and…”

Phil cuts me off with a kiss, and wraps his arms around me. I kiss back, and, just for a moment, I get to forget about all my problems. 

When we break apart, Phil is the first to speak. 

“It’s not your fault, Dan. You need to remember that. And I know you too well, I know you’re afraid that I’ll leave, that I’ll break up with you. Listen to me now, Dan, that is never going to happen. Yes, I’m a little bit upset that you never told me before, but I understand why. And I still love you, just as much as before. I’m staying right here, with you, and I’ll help you whenever I can, okay?”

“I’m still surprised you believed me.”

“You didn’t exactly leave me much choice,” he replied smiling. 

There is a moment of silence. A silence where we both look at each other with all the love in the world, where we both promise to love each other for ever and ever. We say it to each other wordlessly, because we don’t need to say it out loud. 

“Anime?” Phil asks, walking towards the living room.

“Of course,” I reply with a smile. 

It’s crazy, so much has changed between us these last few days. But we have not changed. We still love each other as much as ever, we are still just as sure that we always will, at the end of the day, we are still Dan and Phil. 

I sit down, and suddenly notice how tired I am. I don’t even manage to watch one full episode of Tokyo Ghoul, because I fall asleep ten minutes in. Phil carries me up to our (well, his) bedroom, and he falls asleep next to me, as the waning crescent moon creeps up into the sky, and illuminates the room is an ethereal glow.


End file.
